"Ashamed of being Jewish?"
Of the more than 600 emails I let pile up in my inbox over the holiday break, this is the one that really got my attention. It was an email in response to my Winter post, which still seems to me to be an entirely innocuous post about my plans to go to western Colorado to celebrate Christmas with my family.
The question is inherently insulting, aggressive, offensive, and anti-Semitic. Am I being overly sensitive? Perhaps. Let’s reframe it with some different examples: Are you ashamed of being Hispanic? African American? Hindu? Ashamed of being handicapped? Republican? Infertile? Lesbian? Left-handed? Atheist? Obese? Elderly? Polish? Diabetic? Christian?
So I thought for a long while about an appropriate response and on Thursday, January 8th sent:
I'm finally getting through my post-holiday email and am quite happy not to have run across your email during the holiday season. It takes some doing to get some [sic] much wrong in such a short sentence, so you definitely have that going for you, whoever you are.
Let me help you out -- being Jewish is nothing at all to be ashamed of. If I were Jewish, as my husband is, I'm sure I'd be proud of my heritage and vibrant cultural traditions and community. But I'm not even the tiniest bit Jewish. Completely WASP all the way back to the British Isles on both sides, 100% according to my 23 and me genetic profile.
Maybe you can find time in the new year to learn not to leap to incorrect assumptions.
Happy 2009.
I thought that I was quite direct, and maybe even funny, and I was expecting an apology -- something along the lines of “Oh, I didn’t realize you weren’t Jewish, and I’m sorry if I offended you. My bad.”
We could have opened a conversation about participation in religious communities in Boulder, and I might have had a chance to mention that I am indeed an atheist, which I would have thought was objectionable to a much wider range of people than being Jewish.
Instead, here's what I got back:
-----Original Message-----
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 5:48 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
I do not know what I have got wrong. I am fairly convined [sic] that you and Brad are narcissists and possibly borderline. That's what I tell folks in Boulder. I am Dr [name removed] google
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
And then I started getting mad:
-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:33 PM
To: [name removed]
And
any kind of actual therapist requires MEETING a person in order to make
a diagnosis. My DSM code was adjustment disorder with abnormal grief
before I completed therapy. Where's your degree from, doctor?
And maybe a little petty:
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:35 PM
To: [name removed]
And
what an interesting last name you have [name removed]- those 3 [letter removed] make
you quite unusual. Or perhaps you can't spell your own name? Or type
either?
And I tried again to correct his incorrect assumption:
You
got wrong your central premise - the "ashamed of being Jewish" part --
I'm not Jewish. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my last email. I'll
keep it to simple phrases for you, Doctor.
And then he got mean and scary:
[name removed] Pls google. Arrogant answer for Miss Fat BU [sic]. [initials removed]
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
At this point, I want this entire exchange to end, so I sent this:
---Original Message-----
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:59 PM
To: [name removed]
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
Okay, I'm ready for my blog post with all of your emails now. Are you ready?
Which did have the desired effect of backing him off, but only after he sent this:
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:04 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
Yes, I assumed both you and Brad were Jewish. You should have quiit [sic] while you were ahead
-----Original Message-----
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:34 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
What does this mean? Just unsubscribe me as originally asked.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
----Original Message-----
From: "Amy Batchelor" <
[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2009 20:40:12
To: [name removed]
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
You certainly did not ask to be unsubscribed -- you sent an email asking "Ashamed of being Jewish?" That is not a request to unsubscribe. I'm happy to unsubscribe you, and will likely add your email address to my spam blocker.
This means that even though you wanted to take our interaction off of my blog by sending email directly instead of commenting on my "Winter" post in a public forum, I still have that public forum in which to share our conversation. If you prefer to remain anonymous or not have your email address included in my blog post, please express that preference now.
And finally, a borderline apology and retreat:
-----Original Message-----
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 9:02 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
I do not know what you intend to write. Iclearly was mistaken about your religion and desire to hide it. I prefer not to be mentioned on your notes
-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 9:11 PM
To: [name removed]
Cc: Brad Feld
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns
I will honor your request to keep your incorrect query about my religion offline, as well as unsubscribing you from my blog posts and adding your email to my spam blocker. I will be writing a blog post about the level of civil discourse common in the online world which will be about this exchange, and your query, but will keep you anonymous. Of course, Brad already knows about this entire exchange, as I requested his support in the face of your rudeness at the initial receipt of your email on Christmas Day. I sincerely hope our paths never cross again.
And even after that, he just couldn't quit:
You
misunderstood me. I hate waspy pretensions. Imistook u for jewish coz
of your husband Dislike your shallow blog as well. Hope u learn
sommething about art
So first he hates me because I'm Jewish, and now he hates me because I'm a WASP.
Why try so hard to make an enemy of me about my solstice celebration?
And
he thought what? That I’d keep these hostile, aggressive,
inappropriate, insulting emails a secret, alongside my putative shame
about being Jewish?
Why would you do this? As a confirmed pack rat, I will keep these emails FOREVER. In a small community like Boulder, any time Dr. [name removed] comes up, I will tell this tale. In fact, I will be telling this tale loudly and widely in a range of contexts, naming his name.
And what I feared has come to pass; which is that by being a “public figure” I’m opening myself to contact from the angry mob. But it turned out not to be so scary in the sunlight of a new day. I actually feel newly empowered to speak my truth, especially since the original post was entirely innocuous and devoid of any controversial, risky, or personal content. I feel a new Courage and Conviction and Commitment to writing – if I’m going to be attacked over something completely innocuous, like spending Christmas with my family, then I’m going to go ahead and put actual risky things out there into the world.
One of the challenges of participating in the public
world of blogs and twitter and online newspaper comments is that the
level of discourse is often, sadly, that of an angry, drunk, 14 year
old boy. I thought I'd post the
exchange in hopes of getting support from my blogging community about
how to deal with people like this, people who want to take the
conversation offline and into one-to-one email, perhaps so they feel
shielded from community values.
I'll close with some deep wisdom from Rabbi Hillel: That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and study it.